DIARY OF A DEER
1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you
out of bed.
2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen
sink into pickup.
3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.
3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the
woods before daylight.
4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid
4:30 AM: Head for the woods.
6:05 AM: See eight deer.
6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM: CLICK.
6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go
8:00 AM: Head back to camp.
9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where
NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild
2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer
2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison
2:45 PM: Rescued.
2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach
pumped, throw up instead.
3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.
5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging
6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer
6:01 PM: Load gun.
6:02 PM: Fire gun.
6:03 PM: One dead pickup.
6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp
6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting
6:07 PM: Fall into fire.
6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones
6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting
partners and deer in camp.
6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot
6:26 PM: Start walking.
6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 PM: Meet bear.
6:36 PM: Take aim.
6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's
plugged with mud.
6:38 PM: Mess pants.
6:39 PM: Climb tree.
11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around
Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees
Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly
tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.